Ask Cherry: Why Won't My Girl ______?

Ayo Cherry,

Why won't women touch peen in public?

Thanx!

- One-eyed Monster

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Dear Mr. Monster,

I get questions quite frequently from men who are curious as to why their girl won't do "x" or why are women so against doing "xxx"? The easy answer... it's your approach. I know it sounds like a cop out, but approach has a heck of a whole lot to do with it, however it's not quite that simple...

Here's some insight on sexual taboos and how to tackle them:

1. The Bottom Line... no woman wants to feel like a hoe or be made to feel like one. Be it your SO or your JO, be they hoein' or not, nobody wants to be labeled as one. There are so many sexual behaviors that are labeled as deviant... ESPECIALLY among Black people. Rap videos/lyrics, porn, and quick to judge big mouths reinforce stereotypes about what kind of women participate in certain sex acts. Many woman simply lack the confidence in themselves, or confidence in YOU to step out of the box. Which brings me to number two...


2. Stop being such a judger! Yes, YOU! Stop judging women. When you make a judgement of one woman in front of other women, intentional or not, you're setting boundaries and giving tells about your biases about women and how they comport themselves. Example... you and a date go out to dinner and you make a joke about the waitresses "tramp stamp". YOU JUDGER LOL! You've decided this chick is a hoe just cause of where her tattoo is. Do you know how effed up that is? You might be joking but I bet you there are hundreds of women out there who purposely didn't get a lower back tattoo because they don't want to be seen as a hoe. In fact, your date is probably thinking "glad I decided to get that too on my shoulder."


3. Stop being so judgemental... Yeah I said it twice! Many of the assumptions made about how and where women learn sex tricks are stupid. Also, stop equating sexual performance with promiscuity. That's just fuzzy math! Some women are more hesitant to admit that they are curious or want to try something outside the "norm" because they're worried about the impression it will make and what it will "say" about them.


4. Try having a dialogue about it... not a debate, a dialogue. I'm sure your girl/boo/wife/JO/bottom bitch/etc knows whatever that lascivious thing is that you'd like to try. You've probably joked about it, or dropped hints about it if you haven't just straight out asked her about it. If she's shot you down without an explanation try to talk it out. Don't interrogate her, but find a relaxed moment to bring it up and ask what her aversion is to said activity. Like I said earlier it's about approach. If you show you are willing to hear her out, she might just hear you out.


5. Make it about you... meaning the two of you and not about the act. What's in it for her? What's in it for you? If you do talk about it, explain why you think she'll enjoy it, what about it excites you, what you'll do to accommodate and reassure her if she has some boundaries she isn't flexible on or has some insecurities keeping her from participating. I'm not suggesting you coerce her, and don't just make up some ish. Be honest!


6. As you try out the new, don't forget the old... just because she finally let you come in the back door doesn't mean that's now the only entrance to the house. If she agreed to be bound that doesn't mean she wants to spend every night in knots. If the beats were good before the remix you have to make sure you don't forget the original. Women like to be admired as sexual beings not used like sex objects. Your (insert title) wants you to be excited about them and not just what you can do with/to her. In other words... do it but don't overdo it. You wanted to take a trip to Naughtyville and your partner was down for a weekend visit. If you want to uproot and move there, that requires a second conversation.


7. After it's all said and done... don't be a dick! If a woman does decide to indulge one of your fantasies don't then start looking at her sideways cause she was willing to do it. There are a lot of us that get off on seeing our partner well... get off. Don't go getting insecure and start questioning her virtue. Just because a woman does something with you doesn't mean she does that with everybody. Sexual encounters are different with each partner. The way you connect with each intimate partner is different. A cologne that smells good on you won't smell the same on the next dude; same with sex. If a woman decides to expand her sexual boundaries with you remember that she is making herself vulnerable to you and for you. To encourage her to continue this you need to reassuring and supportive... no Monday morning quarterbacking!

Every woman is different and depending on what you're trying to uh... accomplish, you might not need to heed all of my suggestions. One last piece of advice is that there's no need to be a complete emo cat about this. Walk lightly and carry a big stick. ::pause::

I wish you and your third-eye luck!

- Cherry

Ask Cherry: 2010 The Break-Up (Why Not a Whore revisited)

This year I'm doing things a little different. Today it's less "Ask Cherry" and more Cherry telling you how it is lol. I've decided not to let format interfere with my message...

2010 has OFFICIALLY become the "Year of the Break-up" I've seen relationships falling apart left and right. If Brad and Angelina can't make it, who's gonna marry my crazy sexy, cool ass? Year after year I watch my girls and other women fall prey to the same old nonsense and so recent an old blog I wrote and then reposted many Cherry moons ago on other blog sites keeps ringing in my ears. It's been on my heart for a week or so. I guess that means I'm supposed to share it again so here it is with some updates... Enjoy!:

I dunno if you watch Nip/Tuck, but a few years ago they had a PHENOMENAL episode that really shined a bright light on my life and a lie I'd been living. You know how sometimes a show can like illustrate your worst fear, or maybe show you a truth you didn't wanna know... yeah, it was one of those episodes.

Dr. Christian Troy, plastic surgeon... for those unfamiliar with the show (why aren't you watching?!?! GET WITH IT!) he's the guy every man wants to be: super arrogant, crazy cocky, paid out the ass, completely pampered. He's always finds himself in some ridiculous sexual escapade. He's had mother/daughter threesomes, foursomes, co-eds, milfs, muff divers, name it he's been there. He's also the biggest jack ass you've ever seen. He slept w/ a big girl but made her wear a bag on her head... no literally I big brown paper bag... Yup he's the type of guy all women fall for at one time or another.

So, he's had this off and on relationship with this chick Kimber who's an off and on porn star. They're both equally fucked up, but somehow Christian always manages to screw Kimber over. Every time she leaves him and kinda gets her life together, he squirms his way back in. They've been engaged, married, and everything in between. He always goes in on this whole long thing about being in love with her and how he wasn't for monogamy but could be with her, "you complete me" the whole shpeel. Then about two episodes later he always manages to shit on that commitment.

One season Kimber REALLY got it together. Okay, so she's become a scientologist... BUT she was content with her life.

Christian on the other hand fell in love with this one chick then fucked it all up by being his jack ass self. So what does he do next...

That's right, he runs right to Kimber's house... no literally the same damn day. He shows up drunk off his ass and looking pitiful. So of course she lets him in.

He says he needs her help. He figured maybe if Scientology helped her then maybe it will work for him. He said all the things that sounded like he was ready to make a change in his life. He was so helpless and in need. Then he pushed up on her, gave her the "I know you want me. Don't you still think about me?...blah, blah, talk panties off, blah"

So Kimber gives in, they're having stapelton sex...

Cut to after. Kimber is lounging all happy on the couch. She walks to the bedroom and slides into the nook, looking all fulfilled and happy and says "let's just lock ourselves in and order takeout and make love all weekend", Christian says no, he has to go to work. Kimber makes a second offer to meet up with him at her church.

Christian gets up to get dressed and says "are you fucking kidding me? I'm not going to some wacko bullshit!" She gets that confused look like "but you said..."

Here's the priceless part:

Christian cuts her off, "I said what I always say... whatever it takes to get laid." (jack ass smirk on face)

Kimber retorts, "How can you be so cruel! Why come to me?!?!? Why not just fuck one of your whores!!!!?!?!?"

His response (this made me cringe), "Whores?, they just give you their body. I needed more than that. I needed to feel like the most important thing in the world. So I came to you."

She then proceeded to smack the shit out of him and he kinda laughed her off and threw her on the bed and walked out...

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Now, most dudes have NO WHERE NEAR the balls to say some shit like that and be that straight forward and blunt with someone...

HOWEVER, damned if that shit didn't ring true some where. I actually had to change the channel cause it really disturbed me. I had to stop and think... is that why me?

I've had so many of my female friends come to me with "why?"

Why did he lie?

Why does he play with my feelings?

Why does he always come back to me if he doesn't want to be with me?

If he had a girl, was in love with her, was not interested, was not feeling me, if I wasn't the one, if I wasn't his type, if I wasn't x, y, or z?

Is it because we loved them? Is it because we made them feel loved and they knew we'd give it to them without knowing for sure we'd get it in return? Are they just using us?

And though I know it's been said a million times, a million ways, seeing it like that... it was never truer.

... damn.

In 2010 I've made myself a promise to never again be the victim of men who are emotional vampires. Yep, VAMPIRES. They will suck you dry and leave you for dead. We can't blame it all on them either. I've gone right up to Dracula's crypt in my best stilettos, opened a vein and yelled "take me now!" We have to start being emotionally responsible. You know that nucca is FULL OF SHIT! STOP IT!

If a dude asks you to do something that sounds irrational, DON'T DO IT!!! He wants you to fly home w/ him to some island and meet his momma but doesn't want to define your relationship... get that man's fangs out of your heart and WALK AWAY! His gramma dies and he calls you and not his girlfriend and wants to come cry on your coochie couch... say I'm sorry for your loss and LOCK YOUR DOORS!! I'm not saying it's all your fault but there is nothing you or I or any anyone else can do to turn a boy into a man and get him to stand on his own two feet emotionally (yeah I said it!).

We can only control our actions so in 2010, I say let's get on trend and break-up! I'm all for it! I'm all for the end of situationships, giving too many benefits to dudes who are posing as your friend, and being the emotional cornerstone to man whose house you can't even spend the night in.

Now, let's hear some comments people! I want the good the bad and the ugly. Do you agree? Men, you're thoughts? I know you're reading, I get your emails but let's make this interactive. Get yourself and pseudonym and get to commenting!!!

- Cherry

Ask Cherry: Theme Song

I don't know what's going on in 2009, but it seems to me like I keep having conversations where women are just feeling down about themselves and dating. Everyone seems to feel like they just can't find a "good man" and I see a lot of women giving in to their insecurities and loosing their confidence.

My solution... THEME MUSIC!!

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Everyone should have theme music! Remember in The Best Man when Morris Chestnut walks into the club and everyone's panties got all moist?... it wasn't because he was suddenly fine. He looked just like he did walking in the club on that show he had w/ Patti Labelle (forgot about that show didn't you... lol). What he had was theme music. It takes you to another level.

Now I'm not suggesting that you walk around with your Blackberry on speaker, announcing your presence as you go to and fro. What that external sound did for Mr. Chestnut's outward appearance your internal soundtrack and do for your internal glow.

Remember Ally McBeal?... Her therapist suggested she get a theme song and when she found the right song this happened.

It may sound silly to some, but my personal theme puts an extra bounce in my step and makes me feel empowered. I suggest a theme that is not only epic and stadium worthy, I also suggest one that's sexy.

ps... when you do find someone special, try sexing to your theme music... it's a good look... TRUST ME ;)

Ask Cherry: Maintenance Fees

Dear Cherry,

It's a recession and I'm trying to save money. But I have new boo. Can you tell me what maintenance items are unacceptable to cut from my routine? I've been stretching my pedi's and brow work. Those can't and shouldn't be eliminated right?? What about those expensive teeth whitening strips? Or those fabulous salt scrubs from The Body Shop? Or all of the plug-ins strategically placed around my apartment...

Help!

- True Beauty on a Budget

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Dear Beauty,

Girl... I feel your pain. Primpin' ain't easy; especially in this economy.

My first suggestion is to skip the salon & and spa and DIY! From mani/pedi's to bikini waxes, you can save lots of $$$ by spending a little extra time taking care of yourself, yourself. To get you started I'll refer you to the lovely people over at Bella Sugar. They have complied a great list of DIY Spa Treatments including a good homemade body scrub. For your brows I suggest threading. There are lots of places that can hook you up for about $8 (NYC) - $12 (DC). Personally I've had better luck doing my own touch ups between threadings than w/ waxing. For DIY teeth whitening check out this article from Health.com

Things to nix: ACRYLIC NAILS!!! BOOO!!!! If you have them (this goes for all ladies, not just Beauty) let them GO! Fake nails are so Prom '98. If you suffer from weak or brittle nails, invest in some Duri Rejuvacote. Within two months I promise you you'll have killer nails and extra money in your wallet.

If you're shelling out lots of money on make-up I suggest checking out e.l.f. cosmetics. They sell awesome, yet dirt cheap make-up. Before purchasing any make-up, try it on using Instyle's Hollywood Makeover -- it's the best thing ever! Simply upload a picture of yourself and you can try various brands of different types of make up in numerous shades. If you're a salon quality product whore (I know I am!) hit up your local Marshall's, TJ Maxx, or Loehmann's. They carry all types of high-end haircare and skincare products for cheap.

Did I cover everything... oh, Plug-Ins!... Ditch the Plug-Ins! I have no idea WHY they are so expensive but even on sale w/ a coupon the nice ones that don't smell terrible can run you like $6 a pack. I suggest picking a concentrated Room Spray at Bath and Body Works or Pier 1. They retail at $5 and $6 respectively, and last forever. Unlike a Plug-In that runs all day, you just spray these when you need it. All it takes is a little spritz in each corner of the room and you're good for the rest of the day. I've had the same can for the past 3 years and it's still 1/2 full.

The most important thing is to de-stress as opposed to being in distress. Remember that you don't have to do EVERYTHING yourself, but even if you pick two things you can do at home that's a start, or alternate... I get spa pedi's maybe 3 times a year and then DIY in between.

I hope this helps you keep some ducats in your pockets!

- Cherry

Ask Cherry: Sweat It Out?

Hi Cherry,

 

I've often heard men say they are very turned off when their women come to bed with a bonnet or scarf on their head.  As a Black woman with relaxed hair, it is very important that my hair is neatly wrapped before my head hits the pillow.  Now what am I to do?  I don't want to turn my man off, but I spend too much money on regular visits to the salon to just blow my hair maintenance.  How do you suggest I handle this situation?  And is there a sexy alternative to the scarf or bonnet?

 

Sincerely,

 

Trying To Make It Last

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Dear Trying To Make It Last,

The first thing you need to do is be realistic... you and him.  There's no way you're gonna be able to jump in bed every night, hair free, and then wake up looking like the latest cover of Magazine... it ain't gon' happen.  You can however meet a man 1/2 way.  Here are a few tips:

• Schedule things out- If you get your wig tightened every Saturday then Fridays night should be "Hair-Free" night.  If you're like me and you only go to the hairdresser (or do your do yourself) ever other week, if it's not touch up time you don't mind rocking a ponytail or a hair clip for a day, give him two scarfless nights
• Step your game up- If you're gonna wear a scarf to bed and won't be sleeping alone, wear a nice scarf (i.e., no bandanas... which you shouldn't wear anyways, cotton is terrible on your hair, but that's another post).  You know how you wear a fly scarf to the beach, do the same when you head to bed.  I'm not saying you have to put a layer of Pucci between you and the pillow, but hit up the thrift store, get a pretty/fashionable scarf, something that complements your coloring, and when it gets greasy wash it or toss it and cop a new one
• Accessorize- In addition to a nicer scarf, try sleeping in a small pair of earrings, and throw on some lip gloss before bed.  It can make a world of difference and make you look less like a cancer patient.  Also, that bit of gloss prevent AM chapped lips
  
• Highlight Your Best Assets- Mean are easily distracted.  Wear something that will draw his attention away from your head... in other words, no oversized, holey t-shirts w/ head scarves.
• Make a Deal- Most stores have a policy of "you break it, you bought it"... so can you!  Men are jackasses and most get off on fucking up your hairdo.  I think money to fix your hair is a great alternative to a scarf
• Get Even- If your man has cornrow, next time he sleeps over w/ fresh braids, get on top one night and rub his head all in the pillow... fuzz them bad boys up and see how he likes having to get newly laid hair redone

I think these suggestions can help the situation, but at the end of the day a scarf should not be a deal breaker.  While you shouldn't go to bed looking like a leper, he shouldn't expect you to look picture perfect 24/hrs a day.  If you make an effort and he keeps bitching, kick his bitchass to the curb!

- Cherry

Ask Cherry: Who's Got Questions???

**crickets**

Okay so I know people are reading and I'm sure some of you have some questions, so stop pussyfooting around and drop me a line...  

I won't name names... I promise!!

So come on and ask... you know you want to!

cherryvirtuocity@gmail.com

Ask Cherry: Take That! Take That!

Hey Cherry!

Anal sex is definitely something women shy away from, and with good reason. Many a man (or woman ;-) ) get too anxious and try the ramming approach, rather than the slow motion route. Any advice on how to prep and go about enjoyable anal sex?

 

Thanks a bunch!

 

Cocoa Bisou

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Dear Cocoa,

The ramming approach is definitely a no no!  Knowledge and prep work are the keys to enjoyable anal sex and SAFE anal sex.  What makes anal sex so uncomfortable (or can make it flat out painful) is the sphincter muscle.  There's two parts to it, the inner and the outer, sphincter.  Both sphincter muscles stretch but the inner one is much tighter and requires a lot more "work" to loosen up.  So some men may take their time and get the "tip" in and then think it's all good to go ramming away, but really they've only conquered the first battle... there's a tougher one ahead.  Ramming away can do irreparable damage to your tushy.  If you force things in involuntarily, it can lead to them coming out involuntarily... BAD LOOK!

To make this easy let me just give a few general tips:

• HAVE YOU HAD YOUR #2 TODAY?!?!:  I know... gross, but it's a very VERY important and valid question.  If you're not too keen on the idea of sticking something in your ass then I'm sure you're probably worried about something coming out of it when and if you do.  I honestly suggest before any sort of sexual activity you make sure that you "clear the way". It's a good habit.   So if you can plan ahead, have a high fiber cereal for breakfast.  (I would caution against doing any sort of enema or anything immediately beforehand because it can cause more irritation than good)

• RELAX:  The sphincter is a muscle and it constricts so you've gotta calm down.  Yes, he/she wants to put it (whatever "it" might be) in there... are you okay w/ trying that?  If your answer is yes, then look him/her directly in the eye, take a hold of "it" (that will generally give you their full attention) and let them know that you're down, but they need to move at your speed and TAKE THEIR TIME.  Then, you take a deep breath and try to relax your ass (and by ass I mean literally your anus).  If you're still feeling a little tense tell them to use their tongue first... that will definitely get you more relaxed (no?!)

• LUBRICATION:  Man oh man, I can't say enough about lubrication.  Men don't seem to understand that unlike the kitty, the booty does not self-lubricate.  Also, the kitty is not a fountain from which astroglide flows.  They can't just dip in and then use whatever they find to help lubricate your anus.  Not if they're trying to put more than a finger or two in there.  You'll want to get a high-grade, water-based lubricant.  Anything greasy will breakdown the latex in your toys and/or condom rendering it useless.  I suggest KY or Astroglide.  Both are available at your neighborhood grocery store.

• START SLOW, START SMALL:  As I said the sphincter has to be loosened up.  I'd suggest starting with a finger (make sure the nails are trimmed... no coke nails, lee press-ons or acrylics allowed!!).  Lube it up and begin to work that in and out slowly, and pressing lightly from side to side.  The resistance he/she feels on the sides is the sphincter.  Your partner should be able to feel both the inner and outer sphincter and the difference in the tension of both.  Start with one finger, then two, then more if you feel comfortable.  From there you can graduate to maybe a small butt plug or dildo.

• ARE YOU READY YET!?!?:  Only you can decide when you're ready to put whatever "it" is in your ass.  Toys and penises come in different shapes and sizes.  It's ultimately up to you to decide how big is too big.

I think that's enough to get you started.  As always, if you're not comfortable and you think you don't want to try, then don't.  If your partner isn't will to take the time to do it right, then you shouldn't do them... ever again!

Have fun and don't forget... LUBE LUBE LUBE LUBE!!!!!

- Cherry

Ask Cherry: It's All Just a Head Game

Dear Cherry,

I'm dating a new guy and we've been intimate a few times.  Things are good, but whenever I give him head he has trouble keeping it up.  Is it me?  How do I know I'm giving/doing a good "job"?

- Deepthroat Dunce

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Dear Dunce,

Most likely if he hasn't asked you to stop and if he's not looking at you like "seriously... WTF?!?!?"  then you're probably doing just fine.  Just because a man isn't sustaining an erection doesn't mean that it doesn't feel good.  First thing you have to do is relax.  If you're tense, he'll be tense.  His most precious belongings are millimeters from your incisors.  The last thing you want him thinking about is that you might tense up and clamp down (OUCH!!!)

If you're unsure of what your partner likes you can ask, or if you'd like to be more sly in your approach, find out who his favorite porn star is, download a flick, and take some notes.  Usually men pick their favorites by skill not looks.  If you're not into porn, lucky you, head is usually first, so you don't have to watch long.  It may look well... extra pornographic, but men are visual creatures.  All that spitting, gagging and slobbering is what some men are into; some are into all the extra moaning and ohhh!ing.  Maybe he just wants you to look like you love it.

Whatever you do, just make sure you're comfortable with what you're doing.  Fuck the homies... it ain't no fun if you ain't havin' none!  If sloppy BJs are not your thing, it's better to just not and do something you do like.  

- Cherry ;*