Ask Cherry: Why Won't My Girl ______?

Ayo Cherry,

Why won't women touch peen in public?

Thanx!

- One-eyed Monster

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Dear Mr. Monster,

I get questions quite frequently from men who are curious as to why their girl won't do "x" or why are women so against doing "xxx"? The easy answer... it's your approach. I know it sounds like a cop out, but approach has a heck of a whole lot to do with it, however it's not quite that simple...

Here's some insight on sexual taboos and how to tackle them:

1. The Bottom Line... no woman wants to feel like a hoe or be made to feel like one. Be it your SO or your JO, be they hoein' or not, nobody wants to be labeled as one. There are so many sexual behaviors that are labeled as deviant... ESPECIALLY among Black people. Rap videos/lyrics, porn, and quick to judge big mouths reinforce stereotypes about what kind of women participate in certain sex acts. Many woman simply lack the confidence in themselves, or confidence in YOU to step out of the box. Which brings me to number two...


2. Stop being such a judger! Yes, YOU! Stop judging women. When you make a judgement of one woman in front of other women, intentional or not, you're setting boundaries and giving tells about your biases about women and how they comport themselves. Example... you and a date go out to dinner and you make a joke about the waitresses "tramp stamp". YOU JUDGER LOL! You've decided this chick is a hoe just cause of where her tattoo is. Do you know how effed up that is? You might be joking but I bet you there are hundreds of women out there who purposely didn't get a lower back tattoo because they don't want to be seen as a hoe. In fact, your date is probably thinking "glad I decided to get that too on my shoulder."


3. Stop being so judgemental... Yeah I said it twice! Many of the assumptions made about how and where women learn sex tricks are stupid. Also, stop equating sexual performance with promiscuity. That's just fuzzy math! Some women are more hesitant to admit that they are curious or want to try something outside the "norm" because they're worried about the impression it will make and what it will "say" about them.


4. Try having a dialogue about it... not a debate, a dialogue. I'm sure your girl/boo/wife/JO/bottom bitch/etc knows whatever that lascivious thing is that you'd like to try. You've probably joked about it, or dropped hints about it if you haven't just straight out asked her about it. If she's shot you down without an explanation try to talk it out. Don't interrogate her, but find a relaxed moment to bring it up and ask what her aversion is to said activity. Like I said earlier it's about approach. If you show you are willing to hear her out, she might just hear you out.


5. Make it about you... meaning the two of you and not about the act. What's in it for her? What's in it for you? If you do talk about it, explain why you think she'll enjoy it, what about it excites you, what you'll do to accommodate and reassure her if she has some boundaries she isn't flexible on or has some insecurities keeping her from participating. I'm not suggesting you coerce her, and don't just make up some ish. Be honest!


6. As you try out the new, don't forget the old... just because she finally let you come in the back door doesn't mean that's now the only entrance to the house. If she agreed to be bound that doesn't mean she wants to spend every night in knots. If the beats were good before the remix you have to make sure you don't forget the original. Women like to be admired as sexual beings not used like sex objects. Your (insert title) wants you to be excited about them and not just what you can do with/to her. In other words... do it but don't overdo it. You wanted to take a trip to Naughtyville and your partner was down for a weekend visit. If you want to uproot and move there, that requires a second conversation.


7. After it's all said and done... don't be a dick! If a woman does decide to indulge one of your fantasies don't then start looking at her sideways cause she was willing to do it. There are a lot of us that get off on seeing our partner well... get off. Don't go getting insecure and start questioning her virtue. Just because a woman does something with you doesn't mean she does that with everybody. Sexual encounters are different with each partner. The way you connect with each intimate partner is different. A cologne that smells good on you won't smell the same on the next dude; same with sex. If a woman decides to expand her sexual boundaries with you remember that she is making herself vulnerable to you and for you. To encourage her to continue this you need to reassuring and supportive... no Monday morning quarterbacking!

Every woman is different and depending on what you're trying to uh... accomplish, you might not need to heed all of my suggestions. One last piece of advice is that there's no need to be a complete emo cat about this. Walk lightly and carry a big stick. ::pause::

I wish you and your third-eye luck!

- Cherry